Friday, March 18, 2011

Once you go Quack, you never go back

Or at least that's what Uncle P* decide while watching this next movie.

*what does the P stand for, you ask? I'm starting to think it's for "pun." Uncle Pun has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Howard the Duck
Here's the trailer:

We notice several awesome things about this movie:

1. Wow, that was some terrible acting!

2. I wish I had a crimper for my hair because Leah Thompson's hair was pretty amazing.

3. Birds and Arrows show perform behind a chain-link fence from now on because their shows definitely get rowdy!

4. There was an odd mix of reactions to people who encountered Howard - they would either find him totally acceptable, or run screaming. No in between. And on a few people thought it was a kid dressed in a duck suit.

5. When Beverly was going through Howard's wallet, she stumbles across a condom. This was a strange scene. First, we noticed that based on the size of this condom, extraterrestrial ducks aren't very well endowed. Second, and more disturbing, the condom wasn't in a package or anything. Just hanging out in the wallet. What is up with that?

6. So when a human and an extraterrestrial duck get it on, is it bestiality?

I could go on, but instead I'll just refer you to this amazing video I found on youtube: The 10 Most Disturbing Howard the Duck Moments. It's got it all, including the duck bobbies.

7. The special effects in this movie are definitely worth mentioning, especially the lasers and fire coming out of the bad dude's eyes (the fun starts around 5:25).

I have to admit that I totally fell asleep towards the end of this one. However I did manage to wake back up for the best ending of a movie evah!

And to think that the Apologetic Bartender and I both loved this movie as kids...

Our cocktail of the evening: The Gilbert Got-Fired

A shot of vodka
some kualha
a splash of milk
Garnish with a peep.

I really wish we had remembered to take a photo of this one!

Friday, March 4, 2011

It's made of People! PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night we sat down to watch the infamous 1973 sci-fi movie, Soylent Green.

Here's the trailer, which basically sums up the entire movie in 3 and a half minutes:

I'm not sure what inspired us to watch this other than it had been in my Netflix queue for about a year, and finally showed up the other day.

There were some pretty notable parts that we would like to mention:

1. Charlton Heston's figure. Now I realize that tastes in men's physiques have change over the years, but were the man boobs "in" back then? And what was up with his pants? They had an interesting flap in the groinal region.

2. The makers of this movie were severely lacking in imagination. The movie took place 50 years in the future from when it was originally made (11 years away from us!), yet the telephones were HUGE!!! Yet another piece of evidence that when you imagine the future, things just get bigger, not smaller like in reality...

3. Despite being 50 years in the future, the women's liberation movement had made no progress. In one memorable scene, Thorn (Charlton) looks at this woman, and says "Bed." That's it, just one word. She then goes into the bedroom, turns down the bed, takes off her closes, and gets in bed. I think I saw the Apologetic Bartender's nostrils flare when that happened.

4. Also, expect a lot of cleavage-bearing clothing in the future (at least they go that one partially correct!).

5. The riot scene pointed out how bad the sound engineering was in this movie. ("The scoops are coming! The scoops are coming!" Because in reality, you couldn't jump out....) Especially when Thorn gets into the fight with his would-be assasin. The use of fake blood (aka red paint) was pretty fantastic. You can check out the scene here.

6. I will say that we did thoroughly enjoy the opening credits. Especially the use of our favorite music genre: Apocalyptic Jazz!

7. The final scene is what made the movie worth it! If you haven't watched the movie before, beware of the spoiler!

For this movie it should be no surprise that we made green drinks! Let's call this one St. Patrick's Day Cheezits! Unless someone has a better suggestion.

I believe the Apologetic Bartender made this by combining vodka with Naked Juice Green Machine, and a splash of sparkling green apple juice. (AB - please let me know the right directions!)

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Pirate Movie: More movie than ever before!

Last week we watched The Pirate Movie - a classic from the Apologetic Bartender's childhood. Amazingly, Uncle P was willing to watch it again - probably because drinks were involved!

Let's get straight to the good stuff. First, the trailer:

The best parts:

1. Most of the dialog seemed to have to do with sex. Here are a few awesome examples from the dialog:

Mabel: You'll be hung!
The Pirate King: Oh I am, I am, and very well thank you.

Mabel: Frederic, you're not gay, are you?
Frederic: [high voice] No!
[clears throat and in a lower voice]
Frederic: No.
Mabel: The way you and the Pirate King get around in those rather feminine, pleated shirts and all that leather.
Frederic: Mabel!
Mabel: Hey! I'm not prejudiced. I mean, what does this country got a navy for? Screw 'em if they can't take a joke!
Frederic: You're weird.
Mabel: All kidding aside, tell me this. Are you a virgin?
Frederic: I don't know.
Mabel: Near enough.

Mabel: Frederic, these are the 1880s. You can't live your life by the outmoded conventions of a neo-imperialist society. Find your true center!
Frederic: What? You mean Zen piracy?
Mabel: [unlaces her shirt and pulls it down to show her corset] Frederic, have you ever worn a whalebone corset? Well no, we established that, didn't we? It chokes and strangles, Frederic! I won't be choked and strangled by someone else's dumb ideas of custom and duty!
[to stone statue]
Mabel: Would you Harry, would you?
[to Frederic]
Mabel: Never to know the rich and real, wondrous person beating and throbbing inside me. Frederic, can you see me throbbing?
Frederic: I see! I see! I'm throbbing too!

Frederic: Lately I've been restless. I've been consumed by some... inner fire, and all I think about are girls.
Ruth: [Grabbing onto Frederic] I've waited 20 years for this!
The Pirate King: [Pulling Ruth off of Frederic] The sea, Frederic, is a jealous mistress. But she is her own reward. Believe me, you've missed nothing.
The Pirate King: [to other pirates] Tell him men, have you missed anything these 20 years at sea?
Other pirates: [Yelling in unison] SEX!

2. Also, the writers seemed to be obsessed with the Rolling Stones, as is demonstrated by this quote:

Major-General: Man, I'm older than the Beatles, but I'm younger than the Rolling Stones!

Hmmm, perhaps this movie was secretly financed by Keith Richards???? Maybe this was an early indication of his strong desire to play a pirate, which he was finally able to realize in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End.

3. As in every good 80s music, there are some amazing songs with great dance scenes.

I wonder wonder what their definition of "Happy Ending" was...

4. And of course, it wouldn't be an 80s musical without the animated scene:

Pretty awesome loin-cloth, no?

--> A side note: Yesterday morning the Cougar Magnet woke up with a medley of tunes from 80s movies stuck in his head. I was serenaded with Pumpin' and Blowin' followed by Magic from Xanadu.

5. After watching the movie, we decided to look up the Wikipedia entry. One of the best part was in the plot description, which said "Kristy McNichol plays Mabel Stanley, an introverted girl yearning for popularity in a seaside community in Australia." AUSTRALIA????? At no time during the movie did we realize it was suppose to take place in Australia.

Drink Recipe: The Jolly Dick Richard

1 shots vodka
Some fresh coconut juice with fresh coconut shavings
Fresh lime juice (yes, we really did put the lime in the coconut...)
a splash of ginger ale

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Unprotected Sax

We were recently discussing sax players in movies and music videos from the 80s. It dawned on us that Timmy Capello had quite the career! Be sure to check out his fan site

Not only does he have an amazing solo in Tina Turner's "We don't need another hero" (He shows up around 3:06):

but he's also feature in one of the greatest 80s teen-focused vampire movies (take that Twilight!):

Two things you should observe about Timmy during this time:

1. His muscles are so huge that no shirt can contain him.

2. He has fine motor control in his pelvic region.

We currently don't have a drink for him, but I'm sure the Apologetic Bartender will come up with something great!

TEEN WITCH: One of the scariest movies I've ever seen.

So, last week, in the spirit of Halloween we chose to watch the quirky, teenage fantasy/"comedy" TEEN WITCH. I don't think any of us were properly prepared for the content of this 1989 classic.
Rocket Smith had dazzled us with her past two movie choices so I was looking for something really bad.... luckily, this one did not disappoint. In fact it was so painfully awesome that it inspired the name of this entire blog...and earned it.
I was the only one of us that had actually seen this gem. I watched and enjoyed it as a nine year old girl and was so excited to present it to the group.

This movie embraces a time when people where transitioning out of the crazy over the top style of the 80's into the frumpy fashion movement of the 1990's. It was also a time when rap had broken through to mainstream suburbia and created groups like New Kids On The Block. Which made popular the idea that being "tough" was getting together with your buddies and making up dance routines. Man, those were the days.

More things we love about this movie

-the plot, or lack there of. I know the movie was suppose to be about a teenage girl that finds out she's a witch with special powers but after they established that, the movie just turned into series of zany moments that made very little sense....making it awesome!

-the fact that every time we would all think that this movie couldn't get any worse it would surprise us with the next scene that would somehow be worst than the last.

-the type casting of Zelda Rubinstein as the strange palm reading witch Madame Serena.

-Dick Sargent playing the Teen witch's father.

-The creepy dream sequence with the hunky Brad.

-One of Cougar Magnet and Uncle Pete's favorite scenes was when the cheerleaders show off their new routine in the locker room "it's so fab"!

- But, we could all agree, our favorite scene in the entire move was when Louise (teen witch) conjures up her powers to make her best friend cool enough to rap with the white boys in "Top That". If there is only one scene you remember from this movie it will be this one.....get ready.

-My favorite was hearing Uncle Pete trying to sing "I'm hot and you're not"

Drink Recipe: Uncle Pete calls this one the Christine O'donnell
1.5 shot of vodka
2 tablespoons of blackberry puree
1 table spoon of simple syrup (or sweeten to taste)
and a splash of soda for fizz


Friday, October 29, 2010

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band: Talk about the Love Sack!

When I was a child my primary exposure to The Beatles was through this movie. Embarrassing, I know! Uncle P and I were the only ones to have seen the movie before this viewing. I'm sure Cougar Magnet and Apologetic Bartender are now convinced that their childhoods were severely lacking.

Some of the things we loved:

- The truly amazing line-up of big names in this movie, including Alice Cooper, Aerosmith, Earth Wind & Fire, and many more.

- The total awkward attempt of George Burns trying to remove the trumpet from the wax figure's hands (32 seconds into the trailer).

- About half way through the movie we noticed that there was ABSOLUTELY NO dialog other than George Burn's narration.

- Super-creepy robotic masseuses

- During Lucy and the Sky with Diamonds, Cougar Magnet piped up with a question: "Are they saying 'Talk about the Love Sack'?"

- What could be more sexy than the combination of Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees?

- For the musicians out there, there is an amazing amount of bass in each and every song. Amazing amounts, I tell ya...

- The ultimate battle of the bands: Aerosmith (and Steve Tyler's lips) vs. Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees. Obviously Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees would win that one...

- After watching the movie, we decided to look at the wikipedia entry on the movie. Our favorite part was the "critical reception" section, which included such gems as:

"conceived in a spirit of merriment, ... watching it feels like playing shuffleboard at the absolute insistence of a bossy shipboard social director. When whimsy gets to be this overbearing, it simply isn't whimsy any more."


"a film with a dangerous resemblance to wallpaper."


"the album proves conclusively that you can't go home again in 1978. Or, if you do, you'd better be aware of who's taken over the neighborhood."

Drink Recipe: HAPPY ENDING! (thanks to Apologetic Bartender)
- I don't think we came up with a specific drink for SPLHCB, but this one came about a previous evening, and was just too good not to share

a little muddled watermelon
1.5 shots vodka
soda water
garnished with a few slices of watermelon

Enjoy the drink and then enjoy the watermelon happy ending as a refreshing end to your drink!


Xanadu: Where Time Stops but the Magic Never Ends!

This blog was inspired by a series of awesomely terrible movies combined with tasty cocktails. We've decided that this is a tradition worth continuing and documenting! So here are some thoughts on the first movie.


This movie choice was inspired by my sister's and my early love of Olivia Newton John. We use to watch this movie over and over. I think Uncle P may have actually seen this one in the movie theater...

Wait a minute - did he just say "Open your eyes and hear the music"? I guess that's better than "unplug your ears and see that magic." (good catch, Apologetic Bartender!)

Some of the things we loved about this one:

- The terrible acting

- The entire premise - really, who needs a muse to open a roller skating club?

- And what was up with Sonny's job of painting large versions of the record covers? Bizarre, yet at the same time it's Uncle P's dream job as a commissioned artist.

- Uncle P would like to point out that without ELO the whole movie would have just implode.

- We would also like to point out how embarrassing it must have been for Gene Kelley end his career with this.  Man, the 70's really did brain wash people into making bad decisions.

- Probably our favorite quote in the movie: "This is the best day in the whole world!

- Cougar Magnet was particularly disturbed by the climax scene/performance of the title track. Something about tightrope walker's balls resting on the the rope. If you need more specific imagery, it starts around 1:30 in this music video. Additionally, all the costume changes in the video are pretty much amazing.

XANADU, the drink recipe!!! (created by our one and only Apologetic Bartender)

1.5 shots vodka
freshly squeezed grapefruit juice
a splash of ginger ale
1 spring of basil

Truly a tasty delight!

Stay tune for more movies and drinks.